Between Destiny and Desire
by Michaela Will
Summary: First season Mamoru exploring his feelings and obligations to three different women: Usagi, Sailormoon, and his princess. Spoiler Warning.


The struggle and pains that certain characters go through at times is

usually well expressed. But what of the physiological struggles? Most

people seem to forget the mental agony that Mamoru underwent first

season anime, for originally he didn't realize that he was Tuxedo Kamen

and he was the only one with a mission and no guiding force. The senshi

had their two cats. This fanfic explores the moment where the fantasy

of Mamoru's crazy new world collides with reality. Enjoy.

Between Destiny and Desire

by Michaela Wills

I look down at the gem in my hand. It had more value than one of the

seven crystals I need to find, it is so much more. It is a piece of

me, a piece of my past that gives me clarity that I hadn't owned until

the very moment I held it in my hands.

The mask melted away, the cape slowly pulled apart, rippling in the

breeze as it dissipated, the top hat did something equivalent to

blowing off and the dress shirt, trousers and jacket reformed into my

everyday clothes. Yet the physical parts of the guise were not the only

ones that vanished, my own naïveté left me also.

It had all been one ongoing, randomly initiated dream sequence up until

now. I would suddenly be caught with a tickling sensation in the back

of my head that would spontaneously increase to a burn and cause me to

black out at random intervals. It didn't matter where I was and I lived

for four months in perpetual fear of blacking out at any moment. I

became jumpy, extremely high strung to the point where it became

noticeable to Motoki. I guess that might be part of why I was so harsh

to Usagi, especially in the beginning. There were things happening to

me that I couldn't control and ragging on her returned some of my

control to me. Not much mind you, but enough to make me feel better.

Although this is only a reason for teasing her as I did that I've come

to realize now looking back. But I was getting that control back now

and the reality of it all couldn't have set in quicker with a bag of

bricks weighting the issues down.

I, Chiba Mamoru, am Tuxedo Kamen.

Tuxedo Kamen! I bury my head in my hands, this made so much sense.

It made so much sense and felt so very right for things to be like

this. Yet at the same time it tore my heart apart for the second time

in my life.

It promised two worlds that I would be hung between, promises that I

wouldn't be able to keep and vows I would have to make. My mission made

crystal clear, to find all seven of these crystals in order to remember

what I have lost and to save that woman in my dreams.

I groan at the thought. My princess. The woman without features who

calls for me, cries out for my help. The enigmatic figure of elegance

and grace in my dreams that constantly haunts my world as Tuxedo Kamen.

No. That isn't quite right. The Princess haunted my nights and dreams.

My world as Tuxedo Kamen is filled with the image of a young warrior,

who still needs my aid to learn what she is and will become capable of.

I sense the power within her, it has become that palpable to me through

the passage of time. She is just so uncertain, she needs guidance that

can't always be given by those she fought beside directly. SailorMoon.

My innocent world, now to be torn apart with a reality so fantastic and

confining with what would be required of me. Not saying my former world

was innocent, but it was in comparison to this. What has always been

said is right. Innocence is bliss. And I am no longer blissful or

innocent. I've not been so for a long time.

I now have obligations to SailorMoon and to the Princess.

I have always, but the realization wasn't as potent then as it is now.

They need my help.

But what about my needs? My desires?

The image of a clumsy young girl with more spirit and fire than anyone

I have ever met enters my mind unbidden. I fight the thoughts away.

Tsukino Usagi. My opponent, my challenger in every way. The banter

between us had never been kind, but it remains so intense. She has a

fire I'd never encountered before, a love and strength I have never

seen before. She fights with her whole heart and soul, putting all the

passion she has into it. She looks at me, and although she doesn't see

everything about me, she sees the truth. She sees that our fighting

isn't what it seems. She understands, if no one else, why we fight.

It is to hide the truth. Neither of us understand what really happened

during that first meeting. Images and words flit through my mind, but

that's not what I'm talking about. It was deeper, an immediate link

between us, something that screamed how familiar the other was, that

they were important. It was so fast we couldn't stop it from happening.

But, we both don't like such matters taken out of our hands, we're both

deadly stubborn. And so we blamed each other as the cause of whatever

it was.

And the minute we stop fighting whatever happened then will surface and

we'll be forced to face each other with the truth.

Something neither of us want to do, though it's a losing battle. Each

time we met, we fight something greater than both of us. Not only that,

we're also fighting the only other person who can understand what's

really happening. I respect the girl in ways I couldn't imagine, she's

so unlike anyone I've ever met. I know she hasn't said the truth of the

matters between us to anyone, not that they would believe her, because

this is our fight. And she's as strong as I am to have not given in

yet.

With every meeting it gets harder to fight each other. Internally, I've

acknowledged the attraction between us, but like hell I'm gonna let

anyone know. I will give her that sanity and leave things as they are

for more reasons than one. She may not have discovered it yet, and I'm

not going to clue her in. That would be too harsh. And it would also

mean admitting it to the world that I do care for her.

I care for her more than anyone I've ever met before. I should add that

I can't include my Princess and the senshi in those accounts. I have no

idea who they are in reality so whatever goes on between the lines is

immaterial. I need to keep some of the delusions that I've created for

myself. And admitting that I do care for Usagi more than just a mark

for casual insults? It would mean ending the fighting and acknowledging

what's been there from the start. That instant recognition of another

manner altogether I can't begin to explain. Deep inside of us, there's

always been something about the other we can't understand or begin to

comprehend. And still, because we're both fighting this, she knows me

better inside than anyone else. Without me saying a word.

I sit on that bench in the park, rolling the stone between my hands. I

am Tuxedo Kamen. And that knowledge is forcing me to chose. I can't

fight all of this at once.

What my heart desires . . . Usagi.

What my head demands . . . Keeping her away.

What my past questions . . . The truth that these jewels offer me.

What my destiny requires of me . . . To free my Princess.

What my position asks of me . . . To help SailorMoon

Something has to give. Something, but what?

I can't ignore the Princess, or SailorMoon. They need my help. That

encompasses finding out about my past, so what about Usagi? What about

our fight? Is that what I must put aside in order to survive?

I bite my lip and clench my fist around the stone. The revelation of

who I am means something has to go, one of my struggles. I struggled

between letting in Usagi and whatever is in store for us and the world

that fights me when I'm Tuxedo Kamen. So some decision has to be

made. I can't fight everything. Either I stop . . .

I shake my head running a hand through my hair. I've known from the

beginning what being Tuxedo Kamen means giving up. It means giving up

Usagi and everything in this world that I really want. Every day it's

become harder to fight the desire to throw my arms around her and tell

her we shouldn't fight what happened that first day anymore. That

what's happened is okay, we both know that now, and give in to sharing

what it means. It offers knowing there's a person who understands us

like no one else, someone who's know you forever without ever having to

really talk. She knows me like I know her.

But it would be unfair to do that to her. I'm obligated to two other

woman, I can't ask her to wait until my dealings with them are over.

And I feel strongly for them too. My princess, she's my Princess, I

know she's asking me because I'm the only one she'd ever consider. And

while she doesn't let me know her, I'm very aware that she knows me.

And SailorMoon! Holding her in my arms, I feel the emotions between us

run. There's something about her too. But I fight that as well, only

what I feel for the Princess do I let show, however slight.

But in my mind and my heart, Usagi's the only real one. She's the only

one true to life, the only one who exists in all reality. Which makes

her the hardest to let go.

I'm torn, by not two worlds but three. And there's no choosing. The

choice was made before I realized it. Like with me and Odango, the

decision was made before I was even counted in. I'm nothing more than a

pawn in that sense. But I can't fight this one, too much and too many

depend on me now.

"I'm sorry Odango. Gomen. Gomen, gomen, gomen! We'll have to fight it,

gomen. I just can't. I don't have the strength to, and you would know

I was keeping things from you. I'd rather you just believe those

secrets are some of the ones I keep you away from because of our fight

and not because no one can know." I whisper to the wind, to the night.

"Gomen."

And then, I give in. I sit by the lake, looking out over the moonlit

water and let go. I allow the pain and loss that I keep at bay to

overwhelm my senses and drown me in their sorrow. My eyes fill with

tears and anguish for all I want. I bite my lip, trying again to hold

back the floodgates, but I can't do that anymore. I've reached my

limit, I have to give.

And so I cry.

I let the tears course down my face, wetting my skin. I let the sobs

begin to overcome me, causing my body to shake with the power of my

pain. Raw pain so deep and binding it not only is emotional torment but

becomes physical. The aching inside feels like an empty hole that fills

and wrenches at my soul with the pain that does take the place of

emptiness. It stabs at me, making me feel sick with the overwhelming

pain it induces. Yet at the same time it feels wonderful to just let

go. To release the pain and not hold back.

I don't know how long I sat there, now kneeling on the grass, just

trying to breathe between the breathy sobs that run over me and take

over my world. I've never done this before, just cried out my heart.

Yet I just did. In the dead of the night I opened up to the world and

let go of everything that I've held back from since I landed in the

orphanage. There are some people who can go through years without

shedding a tear. I am one of them.

So that may be part of why this feels so good; although hollow,

painful, aching and anguishing all at the same time.

"Excuse me? Sir?"

My eyes widen and I hastily wipe the tears away. Of all the people to

show up now. Tsukino Usagi. Of all people I can't let her see I've been

crying, or even know that it was me here. She'll have known I was

crying and then I'll have to give in. We'll have to give in and that's

the one thing I can't do now. Whether or not it's the one action I want

to take most. Whether or not she's the only person who would be able to

comfort me, I've seen how sweet and caring she can be. I cough and

suddenly realized that my voice is hoarse from my sobbing.

I clear my throat and answer, trying my best to mask my voice in it's

hoarse condition, pressing it deeper in my throat than usual.

"Yes?"

A hear a soft gasp and all hope that she didn't recognize my voice

fled. We've argued too much for that. She knows it's me as easily as I

would have known it was her.

"Ma . . . Mamoru-san! Ar-Are you okay?"

I stand up. I can see her in my mind's eye, standing about a meter or

so away. Hands clasped infront of her nervously, eyes full of worry and

concern like her voice. Taking half of a tentative step forward,

wanting to reach out and touch me, not daring because of the insults

which she's afraid I'll throw. And right now, we're both vulnerable.

More than I will ever admit.

The desire to turn around and cry in her embrace is strong, so much so

that I feel my foot beginning to turn without my consent. I force it

back painfully. I can't, I'm Tuxedo Kamen. I can't let her in. This was

the other part of what held me back from giving into the truth that

first day, the subconscious knowledge that I was Tuxedo Kamen. And

turning to her would be betraying both my princess, SailorMoon and our

entire world. I can't put her or anything else in the danger that my

position would cause.

I can't hide behind the mask forever, I can't keep it from her at such

close range as I want to be. Someone will figure it out and it'll hurt

her. I'll hurt her and so will everything else if my true connection to

her was known.

"Fine Odango, I'm fine." I manage without sounding too cold or too

much in pain. Though I'm breaking. Every moment I stand here with her

so very close to seeing more about me than I want her to is pure

torture. "I have to go, see ya."

I walk away quickly, the tears beginning to fall again. Once I'm out of

sight I run. I run home, to let my tears relieve my of my pain again.

But after tonight, I won't cry again. Tonight I'll mourn what I've

lost, what I've given up. Who I've run away from.

To me, the only one who's real has now been torn away. Given up for

Destiny and everything that it stands for. I am Tuxedo Kamen. I will

endure that and someday I'll be able to speak the truth to Usagi, but

that day's not now. Someday.

But tonight I'll cry one last time.

--\---

Disclaimer and Author's Notes:

Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon or any of these characters, they

belong to Naoko for her wonderful manga and many others for their

rendition and products. I don't mean any ill will on the characters or

their owners, nor do I mean to infringe on any copyrights. My work is

simply for the enjoyment of other fans like myself.

Author's Notes: This piece was meant to give an insight to a part of

Mamoru's confusion as Tuxie in the first part of the first season. It

changed slightly from what I originally planned, but I believe that

it's just and enjoyable and relates the conflict he faced just as well.

Let me know what you thin. 


End file.
